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Late for class (Write on Edge)

By On June 13, 2012 · 21 Comments
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  • patricialynne07

    Not bad. It felt a little choppy, but otherwise good. Chuckled at the end.

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Patricia I think maybe the reason it was choppy is I went way over the word limit on the first draft.  I scaled back and maybe that made it choppy.  Do you have any advice on how I could improve it?  Thanks for commenting.

    • patricialynne07

      Maybe take out some of the dialogue  tags or little actions between the dialogue. When you’re shocked, you tend to rush what you’re saying so stopping to add “I say” or “She nods.” kills the urgency of what’s being said. This little bit “The driver got out. Students just gathered – totally shocked, y’know.” Can go. It takes away from the shock the speaker is feeling and one of the spots that felt choppy.

      • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

        Thanks for the detailed feedback I’ll definitely take a look at the piece!  Thanks Patricia!

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    I found this one challenging because it had to be told from the perspective of a believer in fate or a non-believer in fate.  It wasn’t just a piece about fate itself.  I didn’t know how to express that the character was a non-believer.  It seems quite oblique the way I’ve written it.

  • http://underlochandkey.amybethinverness.com/2012/06/13/the-thirteenth-hour/ AmyBeth Inverness

    I love how people choose to assign either fate, God, or coincidence to any unusual situation. Great take on the prompt!

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Yes!  I agree AmyBeth.  Thanks for reading and commenting

  • Shelton Keys Dunning

    Interesting take on the prompt. With all the set up I half expected the “dead girl” to be the one speaking, kindof a “Ghost” moment. I like that the neighbor associated fate with God, but the protag was an atheist. Instant friction, great for a subplot. Well done!

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      It didn’t occur to me to have a dead character speaking that’s an interesting idea.  Can’t wait to see your take on the prompt.  Glad you enjoyed mine.

  • Wisper

    Definitely one of those classic fate moments.  I think a little tweaking with the language, like Patricialynne said, would make it even stronger.  Good job!

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      I shall tweak the language.  Thanks Wisper.

  • http://twitter.com/goodgirlgonered Andrea B

    I like it. I’m with Shelton, I totally thought one of the girls was going to say something like, that was me or she was me. But then I got it. It felt rushed, but it felt like it was supposed to feel rushed. Like she couldn’t catch her breath and neither could I, while reading (still can’t – - well done!). I like it a lot! :)

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      I was going for a rushed feeling so it sounds like it came across as intended.  Thanks for reading and commenting Andrea.

  • http://profiles.google.com/jelliott80 J. Bruno

    I love the dual view points of the skeptic and the believer.  In my life, I have internal arguments about the role of fate all the time.  Most of the time, my skeptic wins.

    Aside from that, I thought you did a great job spelling out the breathless anxiousness of the witness to the accident.  I could feel her sense of urgency very well.

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Yes I was going for urgency for sure (sort of like the Tale of the Ancient Mariner who MUST tell his story – though I don’t think my writing is of that high quality I am not delusional!)  Thanks for reading and commenting J.Bruno! 

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=700058827 Roxanne Piskel

    It’s an interesting take, showing the view of the skeptic and the believer. It felt very rushed, but I think that adds to the urgency of the scene. The formatting made it difficult to tell who was talking, and so I got a little mixed up at one point. Making the story two blocks of rushed text (before and after being shushed) might help and keep the pace of the story-telling.

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Thanks for the comment Roxanne I will take a look at the formatting.  Much appreciated.

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    I fixed up the confusing sentence and changed it to this–> The girl’s eyes widen as I tell my tell.

  • Tina

    I was with you right up until the end. Her statement about it not being true seemed awkward. It could just be the wording.

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Yes!  I agree!  But how do I express that she’s an atheist?  Maybe it doesn’t need to be stated Tina.  What do you think?

      • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

        I took out the Atheist part because it really doesn’t need to be stated.  She already clearly believe it’s just coincidence, bad weather, etc. so it’s implied that she does not believe God was looking out for her.