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Those black heels (Write on Edge)

By On May 31, 2012 · 10 Comments
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  • Wisper

    The details are wonderful here.  You’ve got the way guys think to what they notice first to what they say down well. 

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Hi Wisper.  I’m really glad you enjoyed the piece.  Thanks for reading.

  • http://barbaragildea.com/ barbara @ de rebus

    Oh – this was wonderful. Men!!

    So much of this interaction was dead-on! I loved your scene – the giggly girls, the bravada, the misunderstanding of “legal”…. I am going to question a couple of parts, but potentially a male commentator will overrule them :)

    “He stares at her long legs and imagines them wrapped around his back as he’s on top of her fucking her hard.” – I would deleted the “fucking her hard…” I like imagine of the legs wrapped around her back – I think is what a guy would think – its visceral and real. I thinking “fucking her hard” is what a guy might SAY (in front of his friends), but not necessarily THINK.

    “See the way the shoes make her ass stick out and her breasts push up and out,” he says.  – I question if a guy would make the connection between her shoes and what they do!

    Two small edits here! I love this line:
    “Oh yeah?” Jason spits out. It’s all he can muster. [He] flushes[.]”

    “Legal drinking age. Not legal-legal age,” she says. “Get your mind out of the gutter.”
    I would delete “out of the gutter” = totally implied.

    Overall – really well done!! Great scene!!

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Thanks for the critique Barbara.  I appreciate it!  I’ll look over the piece when I have a bit of free time with your suggestions in mind.  

  • Sandrasfiberworks

    well done. Mt post is the opposite character, though I was writing to the prompt for my writing workshop, but would love your thoughts on it and to link up some time?

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Yes I’d love to see your piece Sandra.  What do you mean by link up?  

  • http://angelaamman.com/ Angela Amman

    I think the interaction between Jason and the girl is great!

    I’m with Barbara in that I don’t necessarily see two guys chatting about the purpose and effect of a pair of shoes.  Maybe a comment about how they look but not their physical altering of posture, if that makes sense. If you really want to keep it in there, I think you need to make it less clinical and use “tits” or something instead of “breasts.”

    I feel like you’ve captured the scene really well, though, the guys at the bar, the girls flirting and wielding that certain power that only young, attractive girls at bars seem to hold.

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Hi Angela.  I’m glad you liked the piece.  I did take out the part about the purpose of the shoes.  You guys are right it doesn’t work.  

      I’m glad you enjoyed the interaction between the characters.  And yes those girls certainly know their effect on guys I think!

  • Shelton Keys Dunning

    Let’s be honest: girls don’t wear those clothes unless they want specific minds to go to the gutter. If you remove the “out of the gutter” comment, add something like “I ain’t wearing this for you.” That’s more of a cock-block.

    My husband notices heels not for the legs and the ass, but for the height. He’ll make a comment about someone’s heels and then turn to me and say “you don’t wear heels much, why?” (He forgets we have this conversation a lot or it’s his way of saying, wear heels more) and then I have to explain that I barely have the balance to walk in flats, let alone teetering atop of heels.

     Even with the conversation about heels, I still think this worked, as long as you were going for the all men are pigs scenario. I remember a similar conversation my brother had with his New York cop friend. Only I think they said tits and not breasts. With a couple beers down, guys will discuss just about anything.

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Thanks for the feedback Shelton.  Yeah I was kind of going for the all guys are pigs thing.  I am with you on the heels.  I do wear them sometimes but not stilletto heels and nothing crazy.  I wonder if guys do talk this way.  Some of them must although I’ve never heard it only seen them stare at women in such an obvious way.  

      I work at sports events with lots of drunken guys and it gets pretty silly!  No low cut top over here and yeah after a few beers they say a lot of things.

      I took out the section about the heels.  You’re right I don’t think guys would talk about it that way.  But I did hear ass out and breasts out thing from a MALE friend so who knows?  I never thought of heels in that way before he said it.