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The Track (Write On Edge)

By On May 24, 2012 · 20 Comments
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  • http://amybethinverness.com/2012/05/16/quickie/ AmyBeth Inverness

    The mention of Ray Bans and then the ten grand bet say far more about these two than the setting does. Do they come often? Is this regular for them, or unusual?

    The scariest part for me? Laying off the IT staff! Oh no! My hubby’s an IT guy lol!

  • http://profiles.google.com/hickman.mama TMW Hickman

    Ten grand? Fuhgeddaboutit!  The lack of excitement at losing so much money says a lot about the characters–maybe not so above board?

  • Kir

    Yes..I was warm, shielding my eyes and I could smell the dust and dung of the horses. I like the way they spoke, the start and stop of men’s conversations, that was done so that I believed it..although instead of “crap” I would have written “shit”..men in suits who go to the track curse in my head….I think it would be more believable. Other than that, I liked it.

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    You guys thanks for the feedback.  I really wasn’t sure where to go with this prompt but it sounds like I did OK.  I will change that line Kir you’re right it will sound better.  

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Do you feel that the setting didn’t play a big enough role Amy?  You mentioned that the RayBans and the ten grand bet say more than the setting does.  What could I do to change that?  Maybe I need to try the challenge again?

  • Melissa

    I think it’s interesting how you used the frivolousness of  betting 10k at the track in the middle of the afternoon to communicate how uncaring they are about the merger.

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Thanks for reading Melissa.  Yes I was definitely going for that so I’m glad it came across that way.

  • http://twitter.com/patricialynne07 Patricia

    Not bad. I feel like the setting could be described a little more. I knew they were at the race tracks and understand how the setting helps moves the story, but it felt like it was barely there. I didn’t quite see the racetrack the two men were at.

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Thanks for your feedback Patricia.  I think I’ll re-work the setting with your comments in mind.   I struggled with this challenge.

    • http://twitter.com/patricialynne07 Patricia

      I struggled a bit too. Will be posting mine tomorrow.

      • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

        I will read your post tomorrow Patricia.  Thanks again for the feedback.

  • http://lancemyblogcanbeatupyourblog.wordpress.com/ Lance

    every gambler calls their bet lucky. Funny and ridiculous at the same time.

    I like the “normalcy” of their world in juxaposition to everyone else’s view. Good job.

  • http://viewsfromnature.com Carrie

    I like the juxtaposition of two men in suits with the more casual crowd.  They probably stuck out like sore thumbs.

    I’ll agree with a previous commentor that more details about the setting would have improved this scene. Sounds, smells, feelings. What was the weather, the conversation around them, food smells? Were they on benches or more plush seating?

    visiting from WoE

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Thanks for the feedback you guys.  You’re right it definitely needs more detail.

  • http://www.nancymcampbell.com/ Nancy M. Campbell

    What strikes me in this piece is casual privilege. From the clothing to the money, to the setting, you show these characters and their view of the world.

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Thanks for reading and commenting Nancy.  I’m glad you enjoyed the piece.

  • Shelton Keys Dunning

    with the word limit you packed quite a punch. Any “fleshing” out I think could be easily accomplished with a quick “word redistribution”, or a shift of the focus, maybe ending it with the Aw shit, oh well moment…

    The horse races I’ve been to have a truly eclectic mix of people there, so it’s not as uncommon to find several suits among the casuals. I do like the contrast for analogy purposes, but don’t let the analogy trap you. (does that make sense)

    Great take on the prompt!

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  • Wisper

    Overall, great job.  A little more detail in the setting would be great but the interaction between your two guys is excellent.  I’d like to know more about Connor and the ease with which he lost ten grand at the track.

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Thanks yes I’m going to work more on detail this week.  I’m glad you liked the interaction between the two guys.  Thanks for reading.