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Locked out (Write on Edge)

By On May 18, 2012 · 13 Comments
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  • http://twitter.com/patricialynne07 Patricia

    =O Yikes. All I could think was, “Don’t do it, don’t do it. She’s gonna do it. Aw crap. She did it.”

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Thanks for reading.  Yep that’s what I was going for.  It was inspired by true events.

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    I have no idea how to fix fonts in WordPress…

  • jeanelaine

    Wow, good story and scary as crap. A good read.

    • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

      Thanks.

  • http://www.barbaragildea.com/ barbara @ de rebus

    Bad choice! Bad choice! – I loved it :)
     
    Great situation – you build well to the suspense: Your reader is really screaming at Anna to run away!

    Interesting take on the prompt as well, as this really is a dual set of choices / consequences – both Anna and her parents.

    This line here is a little awkward:
    “They had said that they were locking the doors at midnight and that was that but they had not followed through until tonight.”

    Overall – great piece!

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Thanks Barbara.  I’ll re-visit that sentence.  Wondering what I should change it to.

  • Wisper

    I kept thinking “no, no, no – don’t go!!” as I read it even though I knew she probably would!  I work with teenagers on a regular basis and this is sooo typical of the kinds of things they do.  Great job capturing that!

    I agree that this line is a bit odd:”They had said that they were locking the doors at midnight and that was that but they had not followed through until tonight.”

    Maybe break it up something like:
    “They’d said they were locking the doors at midnight, no exceptions.  They hadn’t followed through with that promise (or threat) until tonight.”

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Wisper thanks for the feedback.  I am totally going to change that line you guys pointed out.  Your suggestion’s great.  Thanks!

  • Shelton Keys Dunning

    Ooh, Anna doesn’t understand what real trouble is all about does she. Tisk tisk.

    Some concrit: twice you mentioned she’s fifteen, as much as I like the first sentence, I’d change it to Anna. The first sentence sets up a different POV than the rest of the story has and eliminating the “fifteen” from that would solve the issue.

    Also you’ve got sensor right the first time, but missed it here: Suddenly the censor light on the neighbour’sScary what teens will do. Great take on the prompt!

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Thanks for the reply!  I will re-read it with your suggestions in mind.  Appreciated!

  • http://profiles.google.com/saltcreekquilt Suzanne Earley

    Wow, that was chilling. 

  • http://www.justbeingerica.tumblr.com/ Erica Cresswell

    Thanks yep I was definitely going for that.